If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
