u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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