I met the friendliest cop last night
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
