i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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