on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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