i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
