there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
