goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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