Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need moral support for this bender
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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