u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
