We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
