Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Randomize
