Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
