I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
