I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
