I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
