I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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