i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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