Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
