If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
