Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
