**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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