Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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