i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
