i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
