Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
