Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
