i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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