I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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