I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
