We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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