No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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