it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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