I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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