So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
