If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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