I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize