Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
