Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
this beer tastes like vomit already
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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