Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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