i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
