Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
