I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
