what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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