shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
