Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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