I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
