Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
