I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
