The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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