Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
