I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
