you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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