i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i need to put some appletini on your dick
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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