My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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