i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
