you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
