Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
