new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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